Funny humour type comedy stuff in easy to swallow chunks.
The bizarre, unusual and downright ludicrous fitted as standard.
http://www.bleeding-obvious.co.uk
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The Dictionary of the Absurd
So come on in and share absurdities
No more new entries will be accepted for a while. Enjoy what we have here during this hiatus
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A
abacus
Profanity used by Scandinavian singers. (Orig. Chris Cox)
A-bomb
An abode filled with bees (Orig. Victoria Tarrani)
absinthe
Electronic music made by stomach muscles (Orig. Willie Meikle)
absolve
To take an algebra test (Orig. Willie Meikle)
abyss
An Abbots wife (Orig. Audrey Cowper)
a cappella
A luxurious resort area in Mexico (Orig. Victoria Tarrani)
accordian
Peace-keeper (Orig. Willie Meikle)
adage
Not done by women over 40 (Orig. Willie Meikle)
adapt
a good arithmetic student (Orig. Joseph Leff)
administer
how to help a shorthanded clerical staff. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
adulterate
A full price cinema ticket (Orig. Audrey Cowper)
advice
A trailer for a porno movie (Orig. Willie Meikle)
A flat
An apartment (Orig. Joseph Leff)
A flat minor
A child in an apartment (Orig. Joseph Leff)
affable
1. Working at fifty per cent capacity (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. 50% of a male bovine. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
affront
Opposite of aback (Orig. Willie Meikle)
agile
Prison for Glasgwegians (Orig. Willie Meikle)
alehouse
a hospital. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
algebra
1. A cross between algae and zebra (Orig. Audrey Cowper)
2. Undergarment worn by mermaids. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
alter ego
a narcissistic minister (Orig. Joseph Leff)
alternation
1. a religious country (Orig. Joseph Leff)
2. change the country. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
amazing
1. Building a labyrinth (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. Planting corn. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
amicable divorces
civil rites. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
amiss
As good as her smile. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
amnesia
Oh, I forgot it's definition. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
ampere
A French father (Orig. Willie Meikle)
anagram
A small measure of weight (Orig. Audrey Cowper)
angiagram
a message from Angie. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
antelope
To run off with your father's sister (Orig. Ian Barker)
antipasta
A hatred of Italian food (Orig. Willie Meikle)
antipodean
Someone who hates "The Invasion of the Body Snatchers" (Orig. Willie Meikle)
archery
The study of arrow dynamics. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
aright
American Hillbilly for O.K. (Orig. Laurie A Murray)
aroma
Someone who travels a lot (Orig. Audrey Cowper)
aromatic
A crossbow (Orig. Willie Meikle)
artifact
Information dispensed by gallery owners (Orig. Ian Barker)
aspect
What you get when you bend over in a chicken run (Orig. Ian Barker)
asphalt
1. Crack (Orig. Jon Nicholas)
2. Blame the donkey. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
aspic
Index finger (Orig. Willie Meikle)
assimilate
To pretend to be a donkey (Orig. Paul Pence)
automate
1. To have sex in a car (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. To have sex with a car (Orig. Willie Meikle)
3. Where motor cycles come from (Orig. Paul Pence)
automatic
A machine that simulates having sex in a car (Orig. Willie Meikle)
axiomatic
A machine for chopping wood (Orig. Willie Meikle)
B
bacteria
Exit from a cafe (Orig. Audrey Cowper)
balance
To have sex with sheep (Orig. Willie Meikle)
bandage
The Rolling Stones (Orig. Willie Meikle)
banking
A republican sentiment (Orig. Willie Meikle)
bankruptcy
Lesser known sibling of Mopsy and Flopsy (Orig. Jon Nicholas)
baptist
Someone who likes buns (Orig. Willie Meikle)
barbecue
A group of men waiting for a haircut (Orig. Ian Barker)
bark
A noise made by a tree (Orig. Audrey Cowper)
barracks
where pub crawlers hang their coats(Orig. Joseph Leff)
barrage
1. To be angry with sheep (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. tavern insanity. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
bathyscope
A hole in the wall of a shower room (Orig. Willie Meikle)
baton
A heavy lamb (Orig. Willie Meikle)
berate
Grading honey producers (Orig. Paul Pence)
beverage
An angry woman (Orig. Chris Cox)
B-Flat
(1) A tightrope walker who doesn't C-Sharp
(2) The second apartment. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
biased
Having two bottoms (Orig. Willie Meikle)
bison
A male twin (Orig. Willie Meikle)
bonding
Driving fast cars, sleeping with beautiful women and blowing things up (Orig. Willie Meikle)
breadstuff
cloned material. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
builder
Asked her for payment (Orig. Paul Pence)
building
1. What happens when William opens his car door too close to yours (Orig. Paul Pence)
2. The pain you feel in your wallet when the invoices arrive(Orig. Paul Pence)
bulbous
Transport for male cattle (Orig. Ian Barker)
bullets
Small male cattle. See also oxymoron (Orig. Willie Meikle)
bungling
Fish used to block a hole (Orig. Willie Meikle)
C
cabbage
1. Taxi fare (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. Taxi's age. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
calumny
A Scottish disaster (Orig. Willie Meikle)
camber
A person, in a tent, on a wet weekend in Scotland (Orig. Willie Meikle)
camping
Elton John's stage act (Orig. Willie Meikle)
canape
1. A snack a Scotsman can't afford (Orig. Audrey Cowper)
2. A small urinal. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
canopy
The state of being unable to urinate.(Orig. David Elsensohn)
cantata
The ability to say "thank you" twice (Orig. Joseph Leff)
carat
A rodent who measures the purity of gold (Orig. Audrey Cowper)
carpet
A nodding dog found in the back of an automobile (Orig. Willie Meikle)
carrot
An autmobile abandoned in a field (Orig. Willie Meikle)
castigate
Repairs to a fence portal (Orig. Paul Pence)
castrate
Part of the cost of putting on a theatrical performance (Orig. Willie Meikle)
catcher
A feline chanteuse (Orig. Willie Meikle)
centrifuge
A dreaming watchman (Orig. Willie Meikle)
centurion
A miser (Orig. Willie Meikle)
channeling
Conversing with dead fish (Orig. Willie Meikle)
charming
A chinese teapot (Orig. Willie Meikle)
cherish
Description of a woman over fifty pretending to be twenty (Orig. Willie Meikle)
childish
The woman who lived in a shoe, for instance (Orig. Paul Pence)
chromatic
A machine for polishing bumpers (Orig. Willie Meikle)
circumspect
To look closely at a penis (Orig. Willie Meikle)
clock
opened with the C key (Orig. Paul Pence)
cobra
A shared undergarment (Orig. Willie Meikle)
collapse
Part of a church on a Scottish island (Orig. Willie Meikle)
combination
Merger of two or more countries (Orig. Ian Barker)
compelling
Hypnotising fish (Orig. Willie Meikle)
complex
A quiet theatre(Orig. Victoria Tarrani)
compost
E-mail (Orig. Willie Meikle)
conceit
Old Sparky (Orig. Willie Meikle)
consequence
A row of criminals (Orig. Willie Meikle)
consolidate
Addicted to computer games (Orig. Willie Meikle)
cooling
Cross between a fish and a pigeon (Orig. Willie Meikle)
coppice
Something done in an NYPD restroom (Orig. Willie Meikle)
corruscating
Resembling an Irish soft-rock band (Orig. Willie Meikle)
counselling
Talking to fish (Orig. Willie Meikle)
count
Bovine genetalia (Orig. Chris Cox)
crackling
Drug addicted fish (Orig. Willie Meikle)
crib
the bone between a rib and b rib (Orig. Paul Pence)
crumbling
Feeding bread to fish (Orig. Willie Meikle)
D
dark
The sound of a dyslexic dog (Orig. Chris Cox)
dashing
Noise made by a father moving coins around in his pocket (Orig. Willie Meikle)
datum
1. The stomach (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. What young men like to do with pretty young women. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
daze
Constituent parts of weekz and yeerz (Orig. Willie Meikle)
decagon
The demise of a record label (Orig. Willie Meikle)
decanter
To kick the scripture-reader out of the church (Orig. Paul Pence)
defence
Between de wall and de gate (Orig. Ian Barker)
delay
French woman of dubious virtue (Orig. Willie Meikle)
denial
A river in Egypt (Orig. Audrey Cowper)
denounce
Remove all nouns. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
dependent
What the Brooklyn Dodgers sought (Orig. Jon Nicholas)
detergent
To fight off male advances (Orig. Willie Meikle)
dichotomy
Where twin babies sleep (Orig. Willie Meikle)
dictionary
A book written by men called Richard (Orig. Audrey Cowper)
diet book author
has the write of weigh. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
digitalis
1. A computer (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. Alice's finger. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
dillybobber
The funky key above the backslash on a computer keyboard (Orig.Kat Yares)
dinosaur
Something seen by a restaurant patron (Orig. Ian Barker)
diplomatic
1. A machine for making Foreign Secretaries (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. An insect that graduated. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
dire
1. Listing of 5th disk drive (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. She does hair colouring. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
disgruntled
A castrated pig (Orig. David Elsensohn)
distaff
1. A Welshman in a princess's employ (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. Not dat staff. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
distract
A derailed train. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
divest
A Welshman's undergarment (Orig. Ian Barker)
dogma
A puppies mum (Orig. Audrey Cowper)
dogmatic
A machine to pick up strays (Orig. Willie Meikle)
dossier
Looking more like a down-and-out (Orig. Willie Meikle)
down for the count
(1) a nobleman's comforter (Orig. Joseph Leff)
(2) goosefeathers for Dracula (Orig. Joseph Leff)
dramatic
1. A machine for creating actors (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. An acting insect. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
duopoly
A game based on the exploits of a rock band from Minneapolis (Orig. Willie Meikle)
dynamite
A forty-pound quasi-reptilian Jurassic tick (Orig. Paul Pence)
E
earnest
Hair growing in a man's ears. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
einstein
One German beer mug (Orig. Willie Meikle)
electrolyte
A torch (Orig. Willie Meikle)
emerge
Unite two Internet companies. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
emotion
a vibrating webpage. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
endemic
The death of an Irishman (Orig. Willie Meikle)
encumber
A negetable (Orig. Alex Farran)
endoscopy
To finish the installation of Windows (Orig. Willie Meikle)
enterprise
How a burglar gets in. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
enterprising
Boldly going (Orig. Willie Meikle)
entropy
A dodgy special effect in the "Lord of the Rings" movie (Orig. Willie Meikle)
envigorate
To massage Dr Frankenstein's assistant (Orig. Willie Meikle)
equinox
A cross between a cow and a horse (Orig. Willie Meikle)
equip
A joke told on the net (Orig. Willie Meikle)
eskimo
What Larry and Curly do when they need a question answered. (Orig. David Elsensohn)
eulogy
The study of the 25th letter. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
eunoch
What you do when you come to a closed door (Orig. Chris Cox)
evenly
The Marvins (Orig. Jon Nicholas)
exam
Will be (Orig. Willie Meikle)
example
No longer enough (Orig. Willie Meikle)
excel
A foetus (Orig. Willie Meikle)
expectorant
Waiting for a new cousin (Orig. Willie Meikle)
expediate
To amputate your own feet (Orig. Willie Meikle)
expelling
Throwing out fish (Orig. Willie Meikle)
expert
1. No longer firm (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. A chicken laying. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
extent
An old piece of canvas, often found in a field (Orig. Willie Meikle)
extrovert
Greener (Orig. Willie Meikle)
F
fabrication expert
liar (Orig. Joseph Leff)
facile
Ten items or less checkout (Orig. Ian Barker)
falsify
To wear fake breasts (Orig. Willie Meikle)
faraday
A long time ago (Orig. Willie Meikle)
farther
A woman breaking wind (Orig. Willie Meikle)
fee
A giant's first word (Orig. Willie Meikle)
felch
To burp as you fall to the ground.(Orig. Chris Cox)
flattery
The study of London apartments (Orig. Joseph Leff)
flatulent
A borrowed apartment (Orig. Ian Barker)
flippant
A trick performed by clever aardvarks (Orig. Chris Cox)
fondlng
Sexual perversion with fish (Orig. Willie Meikle)
fooling
Silly fish (Orig. Willie Meikle)
foreground
Where not to stand during a golf tournament (Orig. Ian Barker)
foreplay
Mixed doubles (Orig. Willie Meikle)
foreskin
IV, on its Roman side (Orig. Paul Pence)
forestall
to delay a golf game(Orig. Joseph Leff)
forestalls
home for two pairs of horses (Orig. Joseph Leff)
format
A gift to Matthew. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
formate
A gift to a partner (Orig. Willie Meikle)
formic
A gift to an Irishman (Orig. Willie Meikle)
fortress
Use of shampoo. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
fortune
A stereo system (Orig. Willie Meikle)
fortunate
to win a lottery or gain other large reward (Orig. Paul Pence)
forum
Two um plus two um (Orig. Audrey Cowper)
funding
To repeatedly push a doorbell (Orig. Willie Meikle)
funicular
Sexual perversion involving frozen foods (Orig. Willie Meikle)
G
gaggle
A short pointless joke (Orig. Willie Meikle)
galling
1. Female fish (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. A French fish. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
galvanise
To put females into ford transits(Orig. Chris Cox)
gastronomy
The study of non-solid, non-liquid objects (Orig. Willie Meikle)
gentile
(1) A small island for men only (Orig. Joseph Leff)
(2) Where the groom and best man walk. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
giant
A special effect in the film "Them" (Orig. Willie Meikle)
giggle
A short set by a rock band (Orig. Willie Meikle)
gladiator
How a cannibal feels after a good meal (Orig. Ian Barker)
groan
1. Your mothers mother in a state of ill-health (Orig. Chris Cox)
2. No longer small. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
gross stupidity
144 politicians. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
To search for sources of information (Orig. Gary Nicklin)
gully
Resembling a seabird (Orig. Willie Meikle)
gymnosperm
1. Exercise area for females (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. Eunoch (Orig. Willie Meikle)
gyrate
The cost of a man by the hour (Orig. Chris Cox)
H
habberdashery
A place to get felt (Orig. Willie Meikle)
haggard
A witch's armour (Orig. Willie Meikle)
haggle
A small witch (Orig. Willie Meikle)
haggling
A witch's fish (Orig. Willie Meikle)
haggis
The state of being of a witch (Orig. Willie Meikle)
hail
A southern American cuss (Orig. Chris Cox)
halogen
Facts about the afterlife (Orig. Willie Meikle)
handicap
A useful piece of headgear (Orig. Willie Meikle)
hanker
To blow ones nose (Orig. Willie Meikle)
handkerchief
1. To blow ones boss's nose (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. Cold storage. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
hearse
not hiss. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
hectic
a damn insect (Orig. Joseph Leff)
hedonism
To swap brains with another (Orig. Chris Cox)
hermaphrodite
she's pumb good at both 'ritin' and 'rithmatic (Orig. Paul Pence)
holster
A place to keep lager (Orig. Willie Meikle)
homeopath
Where gangsta rappers walk (Orig. Willie Meikle)
honest
A gathering of the girlfriends of gangsta rappers (Orig. Willie Meikle)
hopping
To be high on drugs (Orig. Willie Meikle)
hormone
A noise made by a prostitute (Orig. Willie Meikle)
hostage
A strip club frequented by gangsta rappers (Orig. Willie Meikle)
hubble
A rugby team, in a bar, after ten pints of lager (Orig. Willie Meikle)
huge
Over-affectionate (Orig. Paul Pence)
hundred
fear of Attila. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
hurtling
An injured fish (Orig. Willie Meikle)
hustling
A fish reading pornography (Orig. Willie Meikle)
hymen
a greeting to male companions. (Orig. Mike Leiwig)
I
ideal
"It's my turn with the cards" (Orig. Joseph Leff)
idiomatic
A machine for testing intelligence (Orig. Willie Meikle)
ill will
Sick Shakespeare. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
impact
A Midsummer Night's Dream (Orig. Willie Meikle)
impale
Beer drunk by the Little People. Not to be confused with impish (Orig. Willie Meikle)
impeccable
bird-proof (Orig. Jon Nicholas)
impi
Organ of sight of the Little People (Orig. Willie Meikle)
implode
Burden carried by one of the "Little People" (Orig. Ian Barker)
implying
1. Having sex with one of the "Little People" (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. A fibbing "Little Person." (Orig. Joseph Leff)
impregnable
see inconceivable (Orig. Paul Pence)
inconceivable
sterile or barren (Orig. Paul Pence)
index
Where playing cards are found (Orig. Jon Nicholas)
ingest
1. How a joke is told (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. Pub humour. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
inkling
Drawing fish (Orig. Willie Meikle)
inland
pub acreage. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
innocence
not in any way whatsoever. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
insane
Notre Dame de Paris (Orig. Willie Meikle)
insect
Charles Manson (Orig. Willie Meikle)
insole
ol (Orig. Paul Pence)
insolvent
A hole in a shoe (Orig. Willie Meikle)
intelligent
A male working in Silicon Valley (Orig. Willie Meikle)
internet scams
dot cons. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
interview
The space between your eyes (Orig. Willie Meikle)
introduce
To say hello to Mussolini (Orig. Willie Meikle)
inundate
"No, honey, this is my... uh... co-worker" (Orig. Paul Pence)
invalidate
the sick person has eaten (Orig. Joseph Leff)
irate
1. Expensive (Orig. Chris Cox)
2. Hey, I count also. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
irregular
An unusual vein in the back of your neck(Orig. Chris Cox)
isolate
an apology for tardiness (Orig. Joseph Leff)
J
jaundice
Gambling materials owned by a Spaniard (Orig. Willie Meikle)
jockey
1. Resembling a Scotsman (Orig. Chris Cox)
2. the odor of an athlete's dirty-clothes pile (Orig. Paul Pence)
juggernaut
1. A huge breast(Orig. Chris Cox)
2. A huge breast in a spacesuit (Orig. Chris Cox)
jungle
To argue about psychiatry (Orig. Willie Meikle)
junket
1. A small piece of rubbish (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. What to do with a 386 computer. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
jurassic
To be unwell on a trip to Scotland (Orig. Willie Meikle)
K
karma
1. A Ford curry-er(Orig. Chris Cox)
2.An automobile's maternal parent(Orig. David Elsensohn)
kilter
A Scotsman (Orig. Willie Meikle)
kindred
A fear of one's family (Orig. Willie Meikle)
kiss
To urinate through the mouth (Orig. Chris Cox)
knothole
only partial (Orig. Joseph Leff)
knowledge
1. An understanding of shelves (Orig. Audrey Cowper)
2. A sheer cliff (Orig. Willie Meikle)
L
lamprey
1. Grass (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. Light from a lamp. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
landing
A warning bell on a computer network (Orig. Willie Meikle)
lashing
The style of walk practiced by underdressed blondes on a beach in California (Orig. Willie Meikle)
legend
1. Toe (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. Edge of a window sill. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
leprechaun
A new type of GM food comprising wheat and skin diseases(Orig. Chris Cox)
levitate
To wear denim trousers to an art gallery (Orig. Chris Cox)
limpid
A clinging mollusc with a heavy cold (Orig. Willie Meikle)
liposuction
How teenagers kiss (Orig. Willie Meikle)
loam
Just after midnight (Orig. Willie Meikle)
localise
To switch to diet cola (Orig. Willie Meikle)
locus
Diet swearing (Orig. Willie Meikle)
locust
Inexpensive. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
logical
Resembling a large piece of wood (Orig. Willie Meikle)
looming
A Chinese lavatory (Orig. Willie Meikle)
loosing
A chorus in a lavatory (Orig. Joseph Leff)
lunge
The grey phlegm that collects in a smoker's airways (Orig. Willie Meikle)
M
maiden
where bears sleep after April. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
malice
certain female insects. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
manatee
a chap ready for golf (Orig. Joseph Leff)
manchester
A breast fetishist (Orig. Willie Meikle)
mandolin
An unemployed person in the UK (Orig. Willie Meikle)
manslaughter
Sound of a male having fun. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
mar
The Southern way of asking for second helpings. (Orig. Paul Pence)
martian
1. An American shopper (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. Soldiers walking in step. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
mass confusion
Saturday church service. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
matrimony
A dowery (Orig. Paul Pence)
melancholy
A dog bred for rounding up large fruit (Orig. Ian Barker)
metronome
A gnome that lives in the city (Orig. Heather Hart)
mingle
A small Chinaman (Orig. Willie Meikle)
mingling
Chinese fish (Orig. Willie Meikle)
mistaken
1. She's married (Orig. Joseph Leff)
2. A girl who's been kidnapped (Orig. Joseph Leff)
moar
A brief conversation between a pirate and an Ebonics-speaking bar-maid. "Mo?"... "Arr!" (Orig. Paul Pence)
mocking
1. What sarcastic people wear on their feet (Orig. Chris Cox)
2. Travelling at the speed of sound. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
mollify
To turn into Madonna (Orig. Willie Meikle)
monitor
a bull-headed mythological beast with only one horn (Orig. Paul Pence)
monkey
The means to get into a locked monastery(Orig. Chris Cox)
monogamy
1. A reddish-brown wood (Orig. Jon Nicholas)
2. Limited to only one game. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
montage
When the Alps were formed (Orig. Willie Meikle)
moonbeams
Things that hold the moon up (Orig. Audrey Cowper)
moor
A cow or bull (Orig. Paul Pence)
moore
More than More, but less than Mooooore. (Orig. Paul Pence)
moore's Law
A request for additional coleslaw. (Orig. Paul Pence)
more
Wondering if the word is "Mar" or "Ear", particularly common when letters are tilted at random (Orig. Paul Pence)
morse Code
Holding up your empty beer mug to the waitress. (Orig. Paul Pence)
mower
The person who frequently spells words like "jammer" and "committee" with just one M (Orig. Paul Pence)
mumbled
What she did after she cut herself (Orig. Joseph Leff)
mummify
To conceive a child (Orig. Willie Meikle)
mutter
A very small dog (Orig. Willie Meikle)
N
narrow
What is fired from an nbow (Orig. Audrey Cowper)
nautical
A guilt inducing diet plan (Orig. Chris Cox)
necromancy
Frank Sinatra's dead wife, almost… (Orig. Chris Cox)
necrophilia
A white paste used to fill the cracks in dead people (Orig. Chris Cox)
night
S and U (Orig. Willie Meikle)
nipple
A small oriental person (Orig. Willie Meikle)
nobble
An under-endowed man (Orig. Willie Meikle)
nosegay
A sexual act peculiar to homosexuals (Orig. Willie Meikle)
nosh
A noisy place (Orig. Willie Meikle)
notary
1. On time (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. recognize terence. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
3. a place where you are not allowed to stop (Orig. Willie Meikle)
nub
An inside-out cake (Orig. Willie Meikle)
nunnery
A place where nothing ever happens (Orig. Willie Meikle)
O
oddball
A third testicle (Orig. Willie Meikle)
olfactory
1. A place where they make insoles (qv) (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. An ancient manufacturing facility. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
omnipresent
1. To have your work published in a popular science magazine (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. A gift of a science periodical. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
oncologist
A person who studies car horns (Orig. Willie Meikle)
optimist
1. The first fog of the year (Orig. Chris Cox)
2. An ideal fog. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
ossify
To become addicted to an operating system (Orig. Willie Meikle)
ostracise
To stick your head in the sand (Orig. Willie Meikle)
overblown
Bill Clinton (Orig. Willie Meikle)
ovoid
A hollow space inside an egg (Orig. Willie Meikle)
ovulate
To wave ones ovaries about dramatically when expressing passion (Orig. Chris Cox)
owlet
A very short squeal of pain (Orig. Willie Meikle)
oxygen
A non-fiction book about cattle (Orig. Willie Meikle)
oxymoron
A particularly stupid cow (Orig. Willie Meikle)
ozone
The G spot (Orig. Willie Meikle)
P
paddle
A small apartment (Orig. Willie Meikle)
painted
1. Torturing Theodore (Orig. Paul Pence)
2. Decorating Edward (Orig. Willie Meikle)
3. Catching your father in a compromising situation with another man (Orig. Willie Meikle)
palliative
Friendly (Orig. Willie Meikle)
paltry
To attempt to make friends (Orig. Willie Meikle)
pamper
Someone who breaks wind (Orig. Willie Meikle)
pandemic
Too many cooks (Orig. Willie Meikle)
pandemonium
1. A recipe to cook demons(Orig. Victoria Tarrani)
2. Housing for pandas. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
pandering
The act of eating bamboo (Orig. Willie Meikle)
panspermic
Casanova (Orig. Willie Meikle)
pantry
1. To prospect for gold (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. What pants grow on. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
paradox
1. Your father's bath salts (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. A brace of piers (Orig. Joseph Leff)
3. Two physicians. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
parasite
1. Double vision (Orig. Victoria Tarrani)
2. View from the Eiffel Tower. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
parody
A man who carries your father's musical equipment (Orig. Willie Meikle)
particle
A small man from Glasgow (Orig. Willie Meikle)
pastoral
Too old to speak (Orig. Willie Meikle)
paucity
1. A place where lots of dogs live (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. Low income urban area. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
peeping tom
A stare case (Orig. Joseph Leff)
penury
Prison for illegal writing instruments (Orig. Laurie A Murray)
permian
To resemble Kevin Keegan (Orig. Willie Meikle)
personify
To give birth (Orig. Willie Meikle)
peruse
When to throw away a condom (Orig. Willie Meikle)
pessimist
Fog formed from the steam of urine (Orig. Chris Cox)
pheephiphobia
A fear of giants (Orig. Joseph Leff)
picnic
1. A raid on a food store (Orig. Audrey Cowper)
2. Select Nicholas. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
piecemeal
an armistice dinner. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
poker
a lively dance. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
pompoms
English twins in Australia (Orig. Audrey Cowper)
portal
a way to describe most Zulus (Orig. Paul Pence)
postage
The time just after death in octogenarians (Orig. Willie Meikle)
posterity
Resembling a student flat (Orig. Willie Meikle)
poultry
Where they really get those poll numbers (Orig. Paul Pence)
pouring
A toilet bowl (Orig. Willie Meikle)
prefix
The state a thing is in just after being broken (Orig. Willie Meikle)
principality
1. The act of befriending royalty (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. Morality. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
problematic
A machine for solving quizzes (Orig. Willie Meikle)
prelate
On time (Orig. Willie Meikle)
premise
A proper girl (Orig. Victoria Tarrani)
profit
1. In favour of good health (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. A biblical seer. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
promote
1. In favour of very small things (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. In favour of a ditch around the castle. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
promoter
In favour of American engines (Orig. Joseph Leff)
pragmatic
A machine that automatically induces vomiting (Orig. Chris Cox)
protein
In favor of adolescents. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
psychopath
A trail around an insane asylum (Orig. Joseph Leff)
pungent
A male compiler of this dictionary (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. Willie Meikle (or Joseph Leff). (Orig. Joseph Leff)
purdah
The king of the jungle (Orig. Willie Meikle)
purify
To act like a kitten (Orig. Willie Meikle)
Q
quadrille
Four roughnecks; see Armageddon (Orig. Victoria Tarrani)
quaint
A nostalgic historical figure (Orig. Chris Cox)
quantify
To dress like Twiggy (Orig. Willie Meikle)
quartz
Four make a gallon. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
quiescent
The smell of a homosexual (Orig. Chris Cox)
quire
A singing group (Orig. Victoria Tarrani)
quisling
To ask questions of fish (Orig. Willie Meikle)
R
rabbit
Mr T's Jewish uncle (Orig. Paul Pence)
rampage
1. Age of a gangplank (Orig. Joseph Leff)
2. A paper picture of a male lamb. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
ramparts
Genitalia of male sheep (Orig. Willie Meikle)
rasta
Spaghetti served with Rolognese sauce (Orig. Chris Cox)
reagent
Sean Connery in Never Say Never Again (Orig Willie Meikle)
rearrange
A range that is not in front (Orig. Joseph Leff)
red blood count
A Communist vampire (Orig. Joseph Leff)
remonstrate
To demonstrate more than once (Orig. Laurie A Murray)
removal
1. A dream about eggs (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. A dream about cricket (Orig. Willie Meikle)
renounce
Put all the nouns back. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
reprobate
1. To poke repeatedly(Orig. Chris Cox)
2. To test the will in court again. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
reprise
How Charlie Chan requests Lee (Orig. Paul Pence)
rescind
Transgressed again (Orig. Ian Barker)
S
safe sex
fun in a vault. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
salsify
To dance uninhibitedly (Orig. Willie Meikle)
sanguine
An alcoholic beverage for vampires (Orig. Willie Meikle)
satisfactory
Where they make Viagra (Orig. Willie Meikle)
seismic
To measure an Irishman (Orig. Ian Barker)
sexton
A heavy relationship (Orig. Willie Meikle)
shortage
Less than a second (Orig. Willie Meikle)
shuddering
The act of manually milking a cow (Orig. Willie Meikle)
sister
The proper term for a cyst removal tool (Orig. Paul Pence)
skeleton
2000 pounds of bones(Orig. Joseph Leff)
slaughter
A genetically mutated mix of a son and a daughter (Orig. Chris Cox)
solid
Part of the Sun's psychological makeup (Orig. Willie Meikle)
solvent
1. A sunspot (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. To master an operating system (Orig. Willie Meikle)
3. A window for sunbeams. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
somewhere
mathematician's clothing. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
sometime
an arithmetic exam. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
sonic
pertaining to male offspring (Orig. Joseph Leff)
spartan
Browning agent found in health farms (Orig. Willie Meikle)
specimen
An Italian astronaut (Orig. David Elsensohn)
specter
1. In a line (Orig. Victoria Tarrani)
2. Not yet a spectator (Orig. Victoria Tarrani)
3. Novice investigator (Orig. Victoria Tarrani)
spurtle
To be unable to contain yourself (Orig. Willie Meikle)
stakeout
Dracula revives! (Orig. Joseph Leff)
stratify
To pose in front of a mirror with a tennis racquet while pretending to be Eric Clapton (Orig. Willie Meikle)
stygma
married to stygpa (Orig. Paul Pence)
submission
Six months underwater (Orig. Paul Pence)
sunbeam
a big smile from your little boy (Orig. Joseph Leff)
sunset
male triplets. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
supple
To eat very hot soup (Orig. Willie Meikle)
supplying
Drinking in bed (Orig. Willie Meikle)
support
To drink fortified wine (Orig. Willie Meikle)
surfeit
A very large wave (Orig. Willie Meikle)
symptomatic
Computerised hospital care (Orig. Willie Meikle)
T
tabard
knight shift. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
tableaux
To thank someone for oral sex (Orig. Willie Meikle)
taboo
Thanks for Halloween (Orig. Joseph Leff)
tactile
To fix a decorative panel with nails (Orig. Ian Barker)
tail end
conlcusion of a story. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
tantamount
The Lone Ranger's companion's horse (Orig. Willie Meikle)
tearing
a teacup stain. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
tenet
A dinner party for five couples (Orig. Willie Meikle)
tension
The second man at the top of a mountain (Orig. Willie Meikle)
testicle
1. A therapy consisting of stimulating ones nerves with a wiggle of the finger during an exam, generally used to relieve stress. (Orig. Chris Cox)
2. Experimental tickle. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
traumatic
A machine for causing wounds (Orig. Willie Meikle)
tree
The Irish number that follows two. (Orig. Chris Cox)
trivial
A dispenser for simultaneously holding oil, vinegar, and spices (Orig. Paul Pence)
turd
Relating to the Irish number three. (Orig. Chris Cox)
tyrant
"I hate having to wear these things to dinner" (Orig. Paul Pence)
U
ubermensch
A drunken german, with a lisp (Orig. Laurie A. Murray)
udder
Companion of dis and dat (Orig. Willie Meikle)
umbrage
The way across the river Lethe, after you've crossed it (Orig. Paul Pence)
umbrella
Sister company of Umbro (Orig. Chris Cox)
unclear
To resemble your father's brother (Orig. Willie Meikle)
underlay
Missionary position (Orig. Willie Meikle)
underling
Riverbed (Orig. Willie Meikle)
unforunate
to steal a fortune from someone (Orig. Paul Pence)
unholy
Complete; not torn. (Orig. Chris Cox)
unicorn
Ailment found only on one foot (Orig. Audrey Cowper)
upwelling
Getting better (Orig. Willie Meikle)
urgent
Sumerian male (Orig. Willie Meikle)
usage
A herb used exclusively by the upper classes (Orig. Willie Meikle)
usher
A public librarian (Orig. Willie Meikle)
uzi
An open sore (Orig. Willie Meikle)
V
vampire
What happens when a tart gets angry (Orig. Audrey Cowper)
vanguard
Someone who looks after a commercial vehicle (Orig. Ian Barker)
vegetable
Where potatoes have their meals (Orig. Chris Cox)
vermicelli
Woodworm damage to a large stringed instrument (Orig. Willie Meikle)
versatile
1. Elit (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. One poem written on each brick. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
vestibule
Bovine undergarment from France (Orig. Chris Cox)
viaduct
1. How tears leave the eye (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. Vy not a duct? (Thanks to the Marx Brothers). (Orig. Joseph Leff)
vial
How to get to m (Orig. Willie Meikle)
vice president
President in charge of vice (to remain nameless). (Orig. Joseph Leff)
virgin
Alcoholic beverage made from Norwegian juniper berries (Orig. Willie Meikle)
vixen
1. Victor's own oriental philosophy (Orig. Paul Pence)
1. Victor's transgression (Orig. Paul Pence)
2. "Victor's back, wanna talk to him?" (Orig. Paul Pence)
vulcanise
To grow pointy ears (Orig. Willie Meikle)
vulgate
To tell rude jokes (Orig. Willie Meikle)
W
washing
The sound a sword makes when it narrowly misses your head and scrapes the wall behind you (Orig. Chris Cox)
Washington
2000 pounds of dirty laundry (Orig. Paul Pence)
wattage
To ask someone their birthdate (Orig. Willie Meikle)
wattle
A very small amount of electricity (Orig. Willie Meikle)
weakened
Saturday and Sunday (Orig. Joseph Leff)
weightless
shorter delays. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
welcome
The reason they're called sperm whales (Orig. Paul Pence)
wench
A device for lifting women (Orig. Chris Cox)
went
Jonathon Ross' housing costs (Orig. Willie Meikle)
wimple
A small wimp (Orig. Willie Meikle)
windlass
a hurricane with a girl's name. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
winkle
A small wink (Orig. Willie Meikle)
wisdom
A scatorial mistress (Orig. Paul Pence)
with
what you do before blowing out the candleth (Orig. Paul Pence)
wizened
To resemble Michael Jackson (Orig. Willie Meikle)
wrench
Where Jewish cowboys live. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
wrenching
A bell attached to a small bird (Orig. Willie Meikle)
X
xenophobia
The fear of warrior princesses (Orig. Willie Meikle )
xion
An affectionate member of the large cat family (Orig. Chris Cox)
X-ray
The former Mrs. Charles. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
xylophone
A device for aliens to ring their relatives (Orig. Chris Cox)
Y
yearly
What a colleague might say if you arrive before time (Orig. Chris Cox)
yellow
1. A new Englander's greeting (Orig. Jon Nicholas)
2. Whisper (Orig. Willie Meikle)
yob
A backward boy (Orig. Willie Meikle)
yodelling
Alpine fish (Orig. Willie Meikle)
yokel
1.To drop eggs from a great height (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. The center of a small egg (Orig. Joseph Leff)
yolk
Used by an egg to pull a cart. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
Z
zealot
1. Sleeping sickness (Orig. Willie Meikle)
2. The 26th parking area. (Orig. Joseph Leff)
zebra
A upper part of a woman's undergarment (Orig. David Elsensohn)
zimmerframe
To cook a walking device slowly. (Orig. Chris Cox)
zooming
A Chinese animal park (Orig. Willie Meikle)
zulu
An elephant's toilet (Orig. Willie Meikle)
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